When I jumped in my car, turned on my Uber app for the first time, and headed blindly into the Uber-verse, I knew I faced a learning curve. I harbored a few unanswered questions too. How will I find my riders? Will they be ready and respect my car? Will I make any money? What’s it like to spend 40-plus hours a week behind a steering wheel?

After six months, 30,000 miles and around 3200 riders, I’ve come up with the following undeniable truths of Ubering life. I won’t tell you how I’ve learned them . . . something has to be left to the imagination.

  1. Alcohol consumption affects all five senses, especially hearing. The more alcohol my riders have consumed, the louder they want the radio.
  2. Eventually, your car will be christened by the late night bar crowd, and wise drivers carry an emergency cleaning kit.
  3. Regarding #2, coffee grounds work the best to take the smell of bar-fly barf out of the carpet.
  4. Happy drunks run in a pack.
  5. Depressed and lonely drunks will be standing alone like a lost sheep, under a streetlamp, pondering their shoelaces.
  6. Uber pricing surges make the late nights worthwhile. You won’t catch every surge, but when you do, ride it to the shore.
  7. Twenty-somethings never wear more than their black, lace clubbing clothes for the evening, regardless of the temperature, snowfall or windchill.
  8. Picking up weekend rider after 3:30 AM is like looking for lost puppies.
  9. Early birds get the biggest worms.
  10. Cleanup batters hit doubles and triples all night until the stands are empty.
  11. Riders who text “I’ll be right out.” will keep their driver waiting the longest.
  12. Everyone is broken, the lucky few know it.